The novel is such an imperfect form. It is the sum total of a zillion tiny fragments, gathered over hours and minutes and years. It is like a wall that has been painted and repainted, and repainted again, and again, but only very rarely stripped. I am on draft 3 or 4 or 6 or something—it's hard to keep track—and still I am finding woefully nonfactual details, mismatched leftovers from several drafts ago that no longer go with the document of today.Read More
As I work on edits to my book I've had to do a find-and-replace for the word "water" several times. Going through the left-hand panel on Microsoft Word I found that the incidences made their own sort of poetry.
An incomplete list:
- The uneven basement floor was flooded with puddles of stagnant water that seemed to be generating clouds of mosquitos.
- What I mean is have you heard the seagulls call at the water’s edge in a gray rain?
- Nude, I filled a pot of water and put it on the stove.
- I picked up the pot with two potholders and lugged it back into the studio, careful not to spill any boiling water on my naked skin.
- The water level rose.
- Hot water sloshed onto the floor.
- I hopped back from the scalding water, perspiring heavily.
- I held my dad’s old meat thermometer in the sink, took the temperature of the water, and waited.
- The rice and water came slowly to a boil, and I filled a short glass with ice and a shot of the cheap Polish vodka I kept in the freezer.
- My eyes watered as I tried not to cough.
- Water and snapdragons spilled all over the concrete floor.
- I washed my hands and splashed water on my face without thinking to take off my glasses.
- A catalog from B&H, a water bill, a reminder from my optometrist’s office that it was time to get my eyes checked.
- When I turned around I saw she’d already wandered in, and was browsing the art books lined up on the raw two-by-four shelves I’d bolted into the walls, noting the pot in the sink, encrusted with burnt rice and full of cold soapy water.
- I could make coffee. Wait, no. I’m out of beans. Water, then.
- Water or vodka. Or tea.
- The penthouse was skylit and wood-paneled, and totally incongruous with the tar-topped skyscape of broken windows and water towers that surrounded it.
- Can I get you two anything? A beer? Soda water?
- Got down on my knees and cleaned deep in the cracks between the poured concrete floor, scrubbing with soapy water until they were mud.
- She said, My rent is five hundred. What? I said, laughing. Do you get, like, heat and hot water that the rest of us don’t have? She raised her eyebrows. My smile faded. That son of a bitch, I said.
- I went back in, leaving the front door open, and washed my face, brushed my teeth, and splashed some water in my hair.
- I’d look out at the glowing city as a ferry went by, its lit windows casting unsteady light on the water’s surface.
- The kitchen was clotted with dishes and pots and pans and glasses, the dining table with ten or twelve empty bottles and plates that held the remains of pie and empty ice cream cartons and scattered utensils and more glasses half-full of water or stained with wine.
- The water was frigid so I let it run.
- The water ran ten minutes and never got any warmer.
- She came back out with two glasses of water and set them on the table. I’m sorry, she said, that’s just not good enough.
- The Pontiac's axels whined and water sloshed in the tires as I eased it through the wide and shallow lake of saltwater between the reeds.
- In the rearview mirror, a stretch of wetlands reached out toward a horizon black and jagged with trees, the water afire with sunset sky.
- A cloud passed and clean white sun flooded the sand, refracted off the water.
- As the pharmacist went to work on her prescription she browsed the aisles, picking up and putting down water wings and sunglasses, vitamins and douches, with fidgety disinterest.
- I flipped through the pages. Glossy color photos of young green forests and beaches at sunset. Waterfalls that had been photographed on a long exposure so that their cascades looked soft and blurred as mist. I said, I hope this didn’t cost you anything.
- But my mother. Jesus, my mother. Waterworks the whole fucking time.
- I vomited until I had nothing left. My throat stung, my eyes watered, my hands trembled.
- He began talking very quickly: I was minding my own damn business—listening to a little music, heating up a little water to wash up—when I hear this fucking banging on the door.
- In the dark basement they stepped into a lake of inch-high, half-frozen, stagnant water and a thick layer of stinking smoke.
- The day we had no more hot water, no more heat, that was bad. The day I found roaches in the kitchen, rats under the bed? That was worse.
- The East River is not actually a river at all, but a saltwater tidal strait, all quick dark current glistening under bridges and out to sea.
- In our little castle on a hill we are beholden to several simple guidelines: we must feed the children, of course, and keep them warm in the winter, and provide running water so that they may wash their grubby hands.
- I got as close as I could to the water and looked up and out, skin prickling.
- I kept turning to go, then stopping myself—no, not yet—and turning back toward the water.
- The waterfront property he wants to convert to luxury condos is, unfortunately, infested with tenants and other animals.
- I walked home in a daze, through the lush tree-lined streets of the Heights, down the hill, toward the water.
- They were all drawings and paintings on paper. Many had been done in simple charcoal, but some had been done in tender watercolor, or had wrestled with streaks or splashes of gouache.
In 2018 I will join the ranks of some of my favorite writers when my novel is published by Scribner. I cannot understate how big a deal this is. It is, by far, the biggest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm honored, I'm thrilled. I can't wait for what comes next.
Are You My Mother?
best-selling coffee table books 1980s
faux wood paneling 70s material
1992 major sporting events December
Either It's Love or It Isn't lyrics
anatomy of an analog telephone
Massachusetts Yellow Pages
how many cigarettes are in a pack?
Czech boy names
price of airline tickets 1991
popular baby names early 90s
popular economy cars 1970s
I have had a hard time writing this month. I have had a hard time sleeping, too. As I write this, it is after three o'clock in the morning and I've been awake for two hours. I am kept away by worries about work, about publications, a thousand other things. When you're having a hard time, you take everything very, very seriously.
On one hand, to be fair, I haven't been working on the novel because I recently finished the second quarter of the book and gave it to my writing group to workshop. While I waited for them to read it, I did no work on it. Instead I plugged away at this short story I've been trying to write for months. This short story is supposed to be fun! It's about an orangutan! And a magician! And a pharmaceutical company! It's darkly humorous! Ideally—probably too obviously, probably obliquely—it's Saundersesque!
But even the short story has proved elusive. It isn't that I'm not working on it. It's that when I do work on it, I find myself uninterested. I don't care about it enough to write more than a paragraph or two at a time.
I know what I would tell myself, were I my own student. I'd say, "Work with that lack of curiosity. Figure out the shape and nature of that blockage, whatever it is. Let yourself get up in the middle of the night. Suffer the physical and emotional discomfort necessary to come out the other side of your creative misery. To look back on the block rather than looking ahead at it, or around at it, as you do when you're inside of it."
So, okay. It is now half past three, and this is how I feel about the story and the blockage: that I have lost my grip on some sort of essential magic—or it has lost its grip on me. That whatever magnetism was keeping me in the bristling, mysterious world of my own written fictions has lost its power.
And what is the degradation of magnetism but simple entropy? It takes a great deal of force to work against entropy. As I lose my grip I feel my strength flagging. I feel the shame of giving up, but I also feel something like relief.
There is a certain gross deliciousness about giving into shame. It is the same feeling as overeating alone. It is self-indulgence. It is self-acceptance. It is also fear. No coincidence, I think, that I've been sick several times recently: clogged up and sneezing, aching, I've given myself a tangible reason to whine. No coincidence either that I have been suffering this creative block during the month leading up to this year's AWP conference in LA—a conference I'm looking forward to, but that also tends to make me feel like fucking Sisyphus. Where the fucking rock I'm pushing up that fucking mountain is my fucking writing career. And where, all around me, on other mountains, other writers are perched happily at the very top of their own mountain tops, passionately typing away at long, intricate novels that finish easily, are boxed up immediately, and are sent post-haste to happy, helpful agents who then sell them for massive sums to wealthy, agreeable publishers, who place them on bookshelves at thriving bookstores, where they are bought by hungry readers and admiring reviewers. Poor Rachel-Sisyphus! Everyone else has it so much easier than you! Why not let that poor rock fall back into the canyons? It isn't worth it! Might as well give up! It's not like you're accomplishing anything! Ha-ha!
Right. It isn't worth it. Or it wouldn't be worth it if that's how it were. But it is worth something. What is it worth? Every time I write, I am also fortifying my sense of purpose. It is worth fortifying my sense of purpose. And every time I write, I explore some new hidden place. It is worth exploring those hidden places, and uncovering the strange treasures I find there.
It is worth becoming a more honest person, a better person, a woman more like the woman I want to be.
In the end, the overwhelming, amorphous blockage I face, and am then subsumed by, is given shape when I put a name to it. Naming something makes it a lot less horrifying. I think often of Elizabeth Gilbert's story about Tom Waits, who told a song to go fuck itself when it visited him when he was stuck in traffic. "Song, get lost. Can't you see I'm busy? If you must be written now, go visit Leonard Cohen." And the perhaps apocryphal anecdote about Michael Jackson: that he worried if he didn't work, work, work, his songs would go find Prince, instead. I think of these two anecdotes, and I know the goal is to be open to the creative thoughts that visit me. And in order to do that, I must name and therefore shape the intimidating amorphous whatever-it-is that blocks me.
I think of how some people call the Loch Ness monster "Nessie." This monster who's who-knows-how big, who lives in a steaming hot cave below the crust of the Earth, who upturns boats and slinks so quietly through the black Loch. People call her "Nessie." They name her—and it's such a cute name. And because she's called "Nessie," she isn't threatening anymore.
So it's 3:52 now, and 4 AM's the witching hour, that time when it's too late to go back to sleep. I've got to go back to bed… but I think I can now.
Othello Iago betrayal
smoke 'em out
quotes George H. W. Bush
anatomy of a window
Hamlet ghost scene
Brooklyn Heights pay phone
pay phone map interactive NYC
Jews for Jesus
pay phone recording please deposit 10 cents
early 90s phrases "right on"
why do birds fly into windows
how many slides fit in a slide box?
height of ceilings loft 223 Water Street
most common standard photo print sizes
ecology of Cape Cod
Lives of the Artists, quote Giorgio Vasari Lives of the Artists
art and morality
Polish Jewish surnames
Polish Jewish first names
Where in the World Is Carmen Sandiego?
Nickelodeon programming 1990s
National Endowment for the Arts
bones of the hand
cost of cataract surgery 1990s, intraocular lens material
cataract surgery complications, endophthalmitis, retinal detachment
part-time teacher wage 1990
fine for no hair net health department nyc
minimalist painting gash
Neo-expressionism, lyrical abstraction
abstract painting gash, abstract painting stain
lawyer cost hourly
"don't sweat it" (Google Books Ngram Viewer)
B&H Photo, color slides
pay scale, grocery store
sunset times, October, EST
to gun an engine
Rachel Whiteread, Jack Whitten, Byron Kim
Experimental Jet Set, Trash and No Star
Art 2000 Gang
Tokyo Joe Lower East Side
Woman 1990 (Images)
Lesbian 1990 (images)
Boilers Consumer Reports
Viva la Revolucion