"Mashup Feelings: Period Edition" for DearKate

After reading my piece "Mashup Feelings: A List" on The Toast, I was contacted by a gal in marketing at DearKate, this awesome women-run startup that creates period-safe undies. She wanted me to do a "Mashup Feelings" list for this 'zine DearKate was creating for their Period Emergency Kits, these cute boxes full of goodies (underwear, chocolate, tampons, reading material) that you can order when you're surprised by your period and get with same-day delivery. 

I went ahead and did it, and now ladies all over NYC can read my little piece "Mashup Feelings: Period Edition" when they're surprised by a visit from Aunt Flo. Here it is, in full.


Mashup Feelings: Period Edition

Three Days Before

All­day feeling of needing to cry despite the fact that when things are actually thought about, conclusion is come to that things are actually more or less fine, that is to say it’s impossible to isolate one thing in particular that is actually legitimately wrong RN & yet all day this feeling of needing to cry
+ without actually having that much to do one’s work has somehow piled up & become an unscalable mountain
+ the world is so big & one woman’s so small
+ exhaustion, which no amount of caffeine seems to be helping

Two Days Before

All­day feeling that, like, without actually doing anything wrong everyone’s somehow being totally horrible
+ the caffeine problem is real
+ vague lower back pain

Early evening feeling of injured outrage re: like... if they’re all just going to go ahead & do fun things, they could have the decency not to put it all up on Instagram, like did nobody even consider how it might make somebody feel before posting a bunch of perfectly filtered pics of some ridiculously picturesque camping trip in Delaware?
+ complete loathing re: camping
+ rampant FOMO re: camping
+ resentment re: not having received an invite to go camping
+ paranoia re: whether one’s name came up in conversation when one was not there
+ philosophical pondering re: which would be worse: if one’s name came up or... if it didn’t + self­indulgent mourning over a social life that looks more like an empty bag of reduced fat Triscuits & half a bottle of pinot & a laptop than a beautiful girl on a moss­covered rock in a high­waisted bikini
+ serious bloating of the kind that would make a high­waisted bikini absolutely the only acceptable kind

Late nite feeling of having woken up from complete zombiehood after over an hour of having disappeared into fantasy searching online for cute high­waisted bikinis
+ resentment at our depressing post­capitalist world re: price of literally all cute high­waisted bikinis
+ confusion re: dangerously low levels of pinot

The relief that is tears

One Day Before

Morning feeling of ravenous appetite which no amount of food will satisfy, so one just keeps eating all of the foods, like it isn’t even noon & one has already eaten (1) a giant breakfast sandwich, (2) half a chocolate bar, & (3) two coffees
+ self­loathing re: feeling so fat, so enormously fat
+ this cramp that’s like something inside one’s interior organs, grabbing & squeezing + tender tits
+ pinot­sponsored headache
+ desperation re: will lunch never come???

Evening feeling of ravenous appetite which can only be satisfied by vigorous sex
+ outrage re: dearth of appropriate partners with whom to engage in said vigorous sex
+ thirst re: some good pinot
+ frustration re: dearth of good pinot
+ hunger re: pizza
+ frustration re: fattening quality of pizza
+ rationalization re: pizza
+ counter­rationalization re: not wanting to order pizza from the place where one always orders pizza

Satisfaction re: pizza

Day Of

Sense of idiocy/ realization re:
Duh. That’s why.

Irrational relief re: not being pregnant despite
+ knowledge of technical impossibility that one is actually pregnant
+ panic re: scarcity of tampons
+ panic re: staining
+ regret re: having weighed this morning’s underwear options & decided in favor of pretty, lacy undies over old stretched­out cotton undies
+ self­satisfaction re: resourceful temporary use of balled­up toilet paper in place of panty liner + discomfort re: balled­up toilet paper
+ & yet—

That certain years­old sense of poise & pride re: being a woman
+ a real (if a little silly) sense of solidarity with the women one passes on the street
+ if we’re going to be honest, a bit of awe re: the body & its mysterious capacity for generating life—because isn’t that what this is, in the end, even if it’s also a trial, a hazing ceremony that threatens one’s sanity/ stability/ capacity for pain every 28 days? If we’re going to be honest, it’s a pain in the butt—no, a pain in the gut & the tits & lower back & ovaries—but hey, it’s also proof that everything’s in working order, & that... one day...
+ relaxed contentment re: fantasy re: the future